Max's things

Since news of my pregnancy broke back in July/August 2011, Max’s bedroom has been filling up with all manner of clothes and toys in preparation for his arrival. His Nanna, Christine, is to thank for much of it. The little suits and toys she kept sending, chosen so lovingly, let me know how excited she was to be a grandmother, and helped me regain my pregnancy excitement after I suffered terribly from hyperemesis (severe morning sickness).

All of these things sit folded neatly in piles - never to be worn by the little boy for whom they were intended; never to be messed up, pulled out of drawers and dragged down the hallway by his chubby little hands. His teddies will never be squeezed or chewed upon or flung across the room in excitement or rage…except by me, perhaps.

I don’t know what to do with any of his things, and I can’t bear to even cast an eye in the direction of his room. My doctor suggested I choose a few things to hang onto as keepsakes and give the rest away, but as I have so few memories of Max to hold onto I want to keep every tiny thing as evidence that he existed; that he was real.

If I could sew all of his little shirts together and make a jumpsuit I could wear every day for the rest of my life I think I would. But it might not go down so well in the workplace, even on ‘smart-casual’ days. In the lunch room I would no longer be known as simply the crazy cat lady with 10,000 cats. I’d be the crazy cat lady who never changed out of her dead baby’s clothes, and that’s a whole other thing altogether.

A few of Max's toys

Darling baby suits

All-in-one baby underwear

Booties, socks and other baby accessories

How I would have loved to do so every day