Max's roses

Though summer's bloom time is meant to have come to an end, Max's rose tree seems to have had a second season, sprouting more flowers than it did the first time. I must be doing something right! I had religiously dead-headed the fading blooms, and more grew in their place which was such a lovely surprise. It has given me much joy seeing it come to life again when I thought it was done.

The rose bush's second bloom

The weather is a bit inclement at the moment, so I cut some of the flowers to bring inside to enjoy rather than see them get ruined by rain and wind. Sebastian was very curious about these soft, silky petals and kept rubbing his little face against them and licking them. Here is a picture of him exploring my floral arrangement, in which you can see the beautiful blooms Max's plant has given us as part of summer's last hurrah.

Sebastian enjoying baby Max's pretty roses

Mummy, daddy, Max and the roses, which help us remember him

A single, perfect bloom

Lost and lonely

This week I feel so lost and lonely. I did not realise how much Max's due date had been in my mind for the last four months, nor how its passing would leave me feeling adrift, without an anchor, and with no dry, safe land in sight. I don't know what to do with the time that now stretches endlessly in front of me. This last week has felt like the symbolic end of Max's life, but only the beginning of mine - the beginning of the life I have to try to live without him. Today I wish that I would be struck down on the spot so that no longer have to contemplate this. On other days I feel shadows of my old self in my determination to keep going and to somehow find peace. It's a confusing and exhausting time. I don't know where to find the energy.

After a lovely chat with Anika last night I miss her more than ever. She is making tentative plans to come back to Melbourne and they seem so promising - child care enquiries, job applications - but I'm afraid to go along with them. I want a sign, somehow, that their return is a sure thing before I get my hopes up. I worry that having to let them go, again, will spin me back to the bottom of the ladder I'm every day trying so desperately to climb. I almost can't imagine how wonderful it would be for her and Sasha to be only a few streets away from me and part of my everyday life once more.

Anika and I in happier times

I also miss Kate, though it sounds silly to say. I feel lately that I am constantly throwing myself at her and that she is just as often withdrawing away. She has a whole new set of responsibilities - a law degree - and less time than she had before. She has discovered that her uncle has terminal cancer, which I know to be a strain on her mind. I know it is unfair of me to expect her to have me in her every thought, but I think I just feel so desperate to have someone by my side that I must be a constant source of stress and annoyance for her.

I have not contacted Sharon since her baby was born. I don't want her to feel any of the sadness and sorrow and envy I feel towards her and her son. I feel that anything I do or say is infected by it and impossible to hide so I say nothing at all. I know this is not the best way to deal with this situation, but it's all I feel capable of. I have not seen Isaac's photo and I am afraid to. I am so afraid to see what Max should look like right now; to see a baby breathing and screaming and robust when the last one I saw was dead in my arms.

I want these thoughts and images to stop. Some days I have respite from them, but it is as if when they come back that they are twice as distressing as before for me having forgotten them. It's like when you miss a week at the gym and when you return you can't believe how much it hurts all over again; how quickly you lost your fitness.

Kate gave me these flowers on Saturday: beautiful yellow roses that have softened and bloomed in the days since then. I look at their colour and wish I felt like that inside. Sunny and bright, rich and warm.

Another garden surprise

I went outside yesterday and what do you know, there's another plant that's sprung up out of nowhere in our front garden! This one's a beauty. I have no idea what it is, but if you recognise it please let me know! It has a long stalk that is all spiky, kind of like a rose, but it's definitely not a rose. It bloomed just a single, stunning flower that is the prettiest deep pink colour. It's growing right behind a massive tree in our front yard, so it really wasn't getting any sunlight or anything. Behold my new miracle plant!

I used Instagram on my iPhone to take this picture and I think it came out beautifully! I still have absolutely no idea what I'm doing or how to use it properly, so it was pure luck that I was able to get the picture onto this blog. I hope I haven't missed the Instagram boat by only just realising how awesome it is. I'm going to find an online tutorial so I can catch up!

A burst of positivity

It's amazing what a difference two full nights sleep can bring. I am feeling positive and energised this morning, which is a feeling so rare lately as to be almost unrecognisable to me when I awoke with it this morning. I was up at 6.30am to take Leslie to his counselling appointment and there was a lovely fresh breeze and little traffic - a wonderful combination when travelling back and forth along Punt Road with the windows down.

It's strange that this mood should strike me today as it's been a fairly shitty few days. Leslie has not been well - he's been extremely stressed and sad, moreso than I've ever seen him. He's been off work for a couple of days in attempt to recuperate and take care of himself, as advised by his doctor. To add salt to his wounds, however, yesterday he was made redundant from his job. OVER THE PHONE! Can you believe his employers could partake in such unforgivable acts of bastardry? We knew that the redundancy was likely, as we'd put two and two together over the last couple of months, so it wasn't entirely a shock. But to discover they could not even wait until he returned to work today to sack him in person really floored me. I don't even know how any reasonable Human Resources department would permit such an action. Not only was he not at work, he was home sick. Despicable human beings. But what else can you expect from a bank, I suppose, despite how much they advertise themselves as having fantastic conditions for their staff. I have composed numerous nasty tirades in my head and imagined myself marching down there with a team from A Current Affair, but when they've got so much power there's nothing that can damage their reputation, really.

The weekend's events and feelings have reminded us of something we were told by the home-visiting midwife the day after I was discharged from hospital - that the life we'd just embarked on would become like a see-saw for a very long time. She warned us that there'd be times when one of us finally had some moments of lucidity and lightness, but that they would likely come exactly when they were least welcome; usually when the other person was feeling at their lowest. This is very true of the experience we've had this week, and it is really hard. We both look forward to the day when we feel 'even', instead of pulling in two different emotional directions. But we know there will be a lot of days between now and then, and we have to find a way to give each other space and permission to feel whatever it is we feel - even when those feelings might differ dramatically between us.

One thing that is helping me feel better is this blog. I've found it extremely cathartic to have a space to just expunge all of my emotional gunk. As it's only being read by close family and friends at this stage, I don't have to worry about censoring myself or worrying what people will think as I know that those people, even if they disagree with what I say, will be able to appreciate where I might be coming from, and how the experiences I've had might have led me there.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm also getting an immense amount of peace from gardening. I know, someone call the authorities because I must have been abducted by aliens! I'm not sure whether it's because I've never really had a garden of my own before so I'm delighting in the ownership, or whether little Max has provided me with a new curiosity about organic things and how they live and grow. I suspect it's a little bit of both, coupled with the fact that I now have two very special plants to look after that remind me of Max. Bunnings is becoming my favourite haunt - I've been there multiple times over the last few days! Today's trip was to buy potting mix for my new 'Mothers Love' rose. Leslie's dad has given us an amazing big pot that he bought many years ago in Malaysia, which will be its new home when we plant it tonight. I'm hungry for plant knowledge at the moment, but I don't exactly know where to find it. Gardening seems like one of those things that comes innately to people, so the very fact that I have to 'learn' it might mean that I'm probably not going to be any good. But I'm going to give it my very best shot, in the hope that you can teach an old dog new tricks after all!

As I mentioned earlier, getting some sleep has also made a big difference over the last couple of nights. In conjunction with my psychiatrist, I have developed some new 'sleep hygiene' strategies. They are painful at the moment, but I'm trusting that they will pay off in the longer term. I'll write another post specifically about them later on, but I've managed two nights of at least 6 hours sleep by making just a few small changes to my routine.

I also got a job yesterday, doing some research assistant work for my PhD supervisor and another professor who has received a gigantic ARC grant. It's only short term, but will give me something that feels worthwhile to do, whilst maybe putting me in a position to do more of the same in the near future.

It must also help that my poppets are arriving today! Anika and Sasha will be in Melbourne until next Friday, which is a super-exciting amount of time to spend with them, and I just can't wait.

A Garden Surprise

When we moved into this house back in July last year it had been freshly renovated. The front of the house had been rendered and the front yard landscaped with very modern styling: neat edges, and non-descript grasses obviously making the place look more 'sellable'. I've never really had a garden before, having lived almost my entire adult life in small flats. But if I were going to have a garden I'd choose a much more traditional one, with lovely hedges and old English flowers. We've toyed with the idea of pulling out the horrible plants we don't like (of which there are many) but we haven't gotten around to it yet as it seems like quite a task when we know so little about gardening. But we were treated to an unexpected surprise in the garden without even having to lift a finger when a beautiful, blooming, pink rose bush arose from the dirt in between two of these horrid grass plants, as if out of nowhere!

We were thinking 'hmm...that definitely wasn't there before!' and it wasn't - at least not since we've been here. But if you look carefully at this image on Google Earth, which is a picture of our house before it was renovated, you'll see that the rose bush did indeed belong there along the front fence!

Obviously the owner cut it all down and attempted to get rid of it, but this rose bush is hardy and survived! We had done nothing to tend to that area of the garden bed - we hadn't watered it or anything, so this is really amazing!

I was really excited about this. It is such a lovely thought to think about it coming back to life from beneath the ground, and I felt it poignant somehow that it has bloomed during what have been the darkest hours of our lives. Happy pink rose plant, we will take better care of you now and hope you continue to grow and kill all of the horrible 'fashionable' plants next to you!

More flowers for Max

Dear Max,

Today I received a surprise visit from a lovely lady called Meg who I became friends with when I worked at CSIRO, long before you were born. She is expecting a little baby of her own on Australia Day and felt very sad that you were not able to stay here with your mummy in the same way that her baby could stay with her. Together with some other people I shared many fun lunch breaks with (their names are Geoff, Marina, Brooke, Bec, Liz and Pauline) Meg gave me a very special rose plant that will grow and bloom every November to remind me of the important job I had as your mummy. The plant is called a 'Mothers Love' rose, and it is so very beautiful, with the most delicate white blooms. I am very excited about getting a big pot to grow it in. I should probably put it in the ground instead, but for some reason I can never get my head around the fact that Daddy and I own this house and can do such permanent things as plant gardens. I always think everything has to be temporary! Anyway, wherever we grow it, we grow it in memory of you.

Here are some pictures:

'Mothers Love'

What an exquisite flower!

I'll think of you when I water it every day, my little one.

Love mummy xox