A better day

I'm having a really good day today. I consider this newsworthy, hence this blog post. Some of the terrible sadness and hopelessness I felt throughout this week has lifted and I am thankful for the respite. At the risk of providing way too much information, I got my period today and I almost immediately felt the tension I'd been holding for days lift. How about that, huh? I've been learning about the connections between hormones, moods and energy and motivation levels with my psychiatrist. Obviously, most of the distress I feel is related to grief, and to the fact that my baby died. She has a theory, however, that I manage that grief very differently at varying points throughout my cycle, and that this has also been true during times when she has treated me for depression. It's hard to make any firm conclusions, as grief itself is cyclical and unpredictable, but I suppose it would be handy to notice a pattern so that I might be able to better plan for the times when it becomes too tough to be in the world. There's so much about our bodies we don't understand. So many complex interplays between biology, experience, and temperament.

I'm reading a very interesting book at the moment on something a bit related. It's called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain. The book explores how the traits of sensitivity and seriousness have come to be considered undesirable in the modern age. Cain explains how we've come to live in an age where extroversion has become the cultural ideal, and she explores the profound consequences that this 'culture of personality' has had on what we all deem valuable and desirable. She looks at the introvert/extrovert divide from a range of really interesting perspectives, for example, showing how the brain chemistry of introverts and extroverts differs. Probably the only people who'll be interested in this book are fellow introverts, but hey, I know more than my fair share of those, so perhaps this recommendation will go far and wide! I'm planning on writing a more detailed review of the book when I've finished reading it. I'm fascinated by my own psychology. I'm not sure what this says about me (analysis forthcoming!) but I love reflecting on this kind of stuff, and thinking about who I am, and I guess, why I am.

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I planted more plants today. I'm obsessed with all the living things. Maybe because they respond to my tender care with ever flourishing signs of unmistakeable activity. Perhaps because plants live and grow in the way that Max should have, but will not. Or is it that I need a constant reminder that the season will change again; that from out of the midst of my sorrow, even in the unlikeliest time and place, some entirely other way of being can, and just might bloom? Whatever reason, I've become a frequent shopper at the nursery, where I wander around for an hour at a time looking, I'm sure, like some sad, lost lady, who doesn't know what to do with herself. Max is everywhere for me, all of the time, and I suppose plants allow me to leave memories or mentions of him everywhere, too, so that reality matches up with my inner experience. The things I grow for Max mark his place; they map out some territory for him. They are, in short, something I can give to him and for him.

I planted some seeds of a flower called Heartsease, which is a sentiment I hope will grow as they do. It is a flower that is said to help heal a broken heart. I've just found out that it is also called the 'love-in-idleness', which is the same flower whose juice, when administered by Puck in A Midsummer Night's Dream, makes Titania fall in love with the first creature she sees upon awakening, which turns out to a craftsman in the forest who has a head like a donkey! Obviously very powerful stuff! I'm not feeling super confident about this one as I've never planted anything straight from seeds before, but I followed the instructions and sowed them 5mm deep and placed them in a spot where they'll be protected from the hot afternoon sun. Apparently I can expect to see seedlings within 14-21 days from now, so set your watches, people. Let the Heartsease fairy come to me. Let it come to us all.

I have this wonderful idea that from the special plants I grow for Max - that represent longing, and remembrance, and healing - I can eventually take cuttings, which I could give to people for their own gardens, so that those sentiments flourish everywhere, for everyone who has lost a baby. Isn't that a lovely idea? It's something I would really like to do in the future.

I also planted something special for Kitty. He now has some cat mint seedlings germinating in the front garden. He took a keen interest in the planting (as he does in everything) and I think he'll be beside himself when he discovers that sniffing the plants makes him feel all happy and funny. Kitty certainly does not need any more madness than he has already been genetically blessed with, but you know, we all need a little something occasionally to get by. Interestingly, I've tried to grow cat mint for Peppy before but he has never shown an interest in it. Always the sensible boy, my Peppy. He is such a responsible big brother.

Simon's Cat (our favourite cartoon series) aptly pictures
how Kitty might look when his new flower is in full bloom!

While I was out there, and because it is a glorious Spring-like day, I also took the plunge and pruned Max's rose. I had done a significant amount of YouTube research, and I think I had the technique sorted out, but it still felt so counter-intuitive to hack away at a beautiful, growing plant. I guess we shall see in the Spring if it recovers from my bout of Edward Scissorhands-ing. . . stay tuned for that!

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A happy day. A productive day. A hopeful day. But still my baby never far from my mind. I love you, Max. You are in everything I do. You are in everything I am.

Happy Friday

Today has been a really happy, positive day. It's one of those days when I'm tempted to believe that everything I've been through over the last five months has been a bad dream. Instead, I acknowledge that I'm on the upward slope of a mountain on which just a week ago I had experienced a very painful, rapid tumble. There's still so far to go, but today I've found a safe spot - a little quiet ledge - on which to stop and take a rest. When you've been climbing the biggest hill you've ever seen, and you finally get a chance to stop, the sheer relief you feel in your every muscle has to be amongst some of the best feelings in the world. For this reason, since I had Max, I feel like I've been capable of experiencing greater happiness and contentment as well as greater sorrow. These moments of relief have been so rare that when they come around I seem to want to grab them with both hands and treasure them as if they'll never come again. Because these days I can't be sure that they will. Nothing is certain anymore except that everything is uncertain. It's a simultaneously frightening, but liberating way to live. In accepting the uncertainty I must give up my illusions of control, which is scary. But in giving up my illusions of control I get to stop feeling like every tiny decision I make has the means to make or break me - something that has long been a source of anxiety to me. It takes the pressure of, I guess, in many ways.

I daresay the weather has helped this shift in my mood. It's been a sunny, fresh, beautiful Autumn day after a bunch of really grim, grey, rainy ones. I also had lunch with a really good friend of mine who is visiting Melbourne from the Gold Coast for a wedding. In keeping with the theme of most people I know at the moment, she is also pregnant, and due in October. She was looking remarkably bright and healthy compared to how pale and sickly I looked when I was pregnant with Max. Perhaps that's what life in the sunshine state does to you - highlights your inner glow. Or perhaps this is what happiness looks like, and I've just forgotten. Then again, perhaps she just went to great effort with her make-up this morning. Sometimes it's just as simple as that.

Denise is such a vivacious person, and the best thing about having her in my life is that she always brings me outside of myself, though with a real sensitivity for, and recognition of, what's going on inside. She's an extrovert with a distinct 'feeling' side and our friendship has survived many years because we seem to just 'get' each other in an emotional sense, even if we disagree with each other's opinions. Even if it has been months or weeks since we've spoken, we hear each other's voices and it's just like old times again. We've always benefited from intense 'deep and meaningfuls with each other, and neither of us are afraid to admit our weaknesses or mistakes, or to give each other some 'tough love' when the situation requires. We have been through so much together; we've seen each other at our worst and yet we're still each other's biggest fans. That is love!

Denise is always there for me when it counts. When Max died she flew to Melbourne for the funeral, just for the day, just to show me how much she cared. I will never forget that. I will never ever take for granted again her generosity of spirit and feeling, and I hope I will be able to offer her the same kind of support and kindness in the future, should she need it.

It was really lovely to see her and her (relatively) new husband I've only met once before - at the wedding! I have no doubt they are going to make fantastic parents and I have my fingers crossed that all goes well for them over the coming months. We had lunch at my favourite city cafe, Journal. We laughed a lot. It was everything I needed.

Earlier in the day I'd shared breakfast with an ex-student of mine, with whom I'd shared a special connection some years ago. We keep in touch and every few months go out for coffee. She has almost finished her undergraduate degree now and has grown into such a fantastic, interesting, warm and funny young woman. I feel privileged to be able to keep in touch with her and share her life, and sometimes live vicariously through it!

Being Friday, it was also time for my weekly 're-calibrating' with my psychiatrist, who has really become much more of a teacher and mentor than a doctor to me. I was in quite a different state than I was when I saw her last week and collapsed in heaving sobs on her couch the minute she looked at me. We talked about all sorts of things today, especially about how dismally I handle conflict, and perceived conflict, such as what happened recently in the friendship fallout from my MamaMia article, which has caused me significant and ongoing stress. We talked about the different ways people react to the things that happen in their lives, including their relationships with others, from the perspective of their own 'schema'.

Schemas are the powerful enduring patterns that we develop from childhood that encapsulate our beliefs and feelings about ourselves and our environments - the things we accept without question, and that we are sometimes not even aware of except when they erupt into consciousness triggered by a particular event. A 'healthy adult' - which is the aim of this, and any kind of therapy - operates with elements of each identified schema at play. But often, we have a maladaptive way of coping with our schemas, which causes us to respond to people and events in problematic ways.

I've only just been introduced to these schemas, and only have a limited understanding of how this way of looking at people, and their actions and behaviours in the world, works so far. The way Melanie described it to me, though, made so much sense to me. I really got a lot out of our discussions. I could immediately identify my own dominant 'punitive parent*' and 'vulnerable child'** schemas, which I've worked on excessively through other modes of therapy over the years, but which still often surface when I am tired or faced with a stressful or negative event and revert to long-established patterns of emotional response. The goal of mindfulness, in conjunction with these understandings, is to be able to consciously observe when you fall into these patterns, and to be able to self-correct in the moment, something I'm getting so much better at, but which takes a lifetime of practice.

I found a good example of the schemas which are identified during the process of this therapy here.

Anyway, this discussion proved immeasurably helpful in my understanding of why I've been so affected, and also to understand the reactions of my friend. I'm sure I'll be thinking this schema stuff a lot over the coming weeks.

And, finally, Friday wouldn't be a happy Friday at all without my weekly night-time treat watching Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do when the series finishes - it is one of the absolute highlights of my week! I've long been a fan of the books, and an occasional stalker of their author, Kerry Greenwood. It's one of my only fantasy indulgences to imagine that I am the illustrious Phryne Fisher and television series is so well done that it is a real treat to watch.

Then, it's always nice to go to bed on a Friday night knowing that I get to have breakfast with my Kate the next morning. That's one of the best feelings ever. I never cease to be excited to see her. We are like puppies that meet at the park!

A burst of positivity

It's amazing what a difference two full nights sleep can bring. I am feeling positive and energised this morning, which is a feeling so rare lately as to be almost unrecognisable to me when I awoke with it this morning. I was up at 6.30am to take Leslie to his counselling appointment and there was a lovely fresh breeze and little traffic - a wonderful combination when travelling back and forth along Punt Road with the windows down.

It's strange that this mood should strike me today as it's been a fairly shitty few days. Leslie has not been well - he's been extremely stressed and sad, moreso than I've ever seen him. He's been off work for a couple of days in attempt to recuperate and take care of himself, as advised by his doctor. To add salt to his wounds, however, yesterday he was made redundant from his job. OVER THE PHONE! Can you believe his employers could partake in such unforgivable acts of bastardry? We knew that the redundancy was likely, as we'd put two and two together over the last couple of months, so it wasn't entirely a shock. But to discover they could not even wait until he returned to work today to sack him in person really floored me. I don't even know how any reasonable Human Resources department would permit such an action. Not only was he not at work, he was home sick. Despicable human beings. But what else can you expect from a bank, I suppose, despite how much they advertise themselves as having fantastic conditions for their staff. I have composed numerous nasty tirades in my head and imagined myself marching down there with a team from A Current Affair, but when they've got so much power there's nothing that can damage their reputation, really.

The weekend's events and feelings have reminded us of something we were told by the home-visiting midwife the day after I was discharged from hospital - that the life we'd just embarked on would become like a see-saw for a very long time. She warned us that there'd be times when one of us finally had some moments of lucidity and lightness, but that they would likely come exactly when they were least welcome; usually when the other person was feeling at their lowest. This is very true of the experience we've had this week, and it is really hard. We both look forward to the day when we feel 'even', instead of pulling in two different emotional directions. But we know there will be a lot of days between now and then, and we have to find a way to give each other space and permission to feel whatever it is we feel - even when those feelings might differ dramatically between us.

One thing that is helping me feel better is this blog. I've found it extremely cathartic to have a space to just expunge all of my emotional gunk. As it's only being read by close family and friends at this stage, I don't have to worry about censoring myself or worrying what people will think as I know that those people, even if they disagree with what I say, will be able to appreciate where I might be coming from, and how the experiences I've had might have led me there.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm also getting an immense amount of peace from gardening. I know, someone call the authorities because I must have been abducted by aliens! I'm not sure whether it's because I've never really had a garden of my own before so I'm delighting in the ownership, or whether little Max has provided me with a new curiosity about organic things and how they live and grow. I suspect it's a little bit of both, coupled with the fact that I now have two very special plants to look after that remind me of Max. Bunnings is becoming my favourite haunt - I've been there multiple times over the last few days! Today's trip was to buy potting mix for my new 'Mothers Love' rose. Leslie's dad has given us an amazing big pot that he bought many years ago in Malaysia, which will be its new home when we plant it tonight. I'm hungry for plant knowledge at the moment, but I don't exactly know where to find it. Gardening seems like one of those things that comes innately to people, so the very fact that I have to 'learn' it might mean that I'm probably not going to be any good. But I'm going to give it my very best shot, in the hope that you can teach an old dog new tricks after all!

As I mentioned earlier, getting some sleep has also made a big difference over the last couple of nights. In conjunction with my psychiatrist, I have developed some new 'sleep hygiene' strategies. They are painful at the moment, but I'm trusting that they will pay off in the longer term. I'll write another post specifically about them later on, but I've managed two nights of at least 6 hours sleep by making just a few small changes to my routine.

I also got a job yesterday, doing some research assistant work for my PhD supervisor and another professor who has received a gigantic ARC grant. It's only short term, but will give me something that feels worthwhile to do, whilst maybe putting me in a position to do more of the same in the near future.

It must also help that my poppets are arriving today! Anika and Sasha will be in Melbourne until next Friday, which is a super-exciting amount of time to spend with them, and I just can't wait.