A mother's day thank you

I could never have imagined spending my first mother's day without my child.  It was not supposed to be like this. I still don't understand why my baby has gone. Sometimes I still don't believe it to be so. 

And so, on Sunday, I imagined what it would be like had Max been here in my arms. He'd be smiling by now, able to recognise his mum and reach out for her. I kiss his chubby hands and let him kick his feet against me, as he did when he was still safe in my tummy.

I must make up memories of him all the time like this as the real ones I have are in very short supply. In my mind, when Max was with me, I cried with gratitude for my baby instead of from grief, from exhaustion instead of despair. I have him with me every moment in my dream life, and I am so happy there.

I worked on Sunday and no one there wished me a happy mother's day, despite me having to listen to countless others enjoy having the sentiment expressed to them, as they were asked if they'd been pampered or enjoyed their day. This is because those people 'out there' who are not close to me and who do not understand the gravity of Max's death do not consider me a mother. They do not know how real my son was. They don't seem to comprehend that he was a living, breathing person that I gave birth to but rather some invisible 'pregnancy loss' that they perhaps think just disappeared from within me like a puff of smoke. 

That's how misunderstood infant death is. We have no cultural imagery of baby loss to call upon. No matter how many times you explain what happened, those listening usually draw a complete blank, unable to take even the idea of it, let alone the reality, in.

How I wish everyone could have seen him and to have held his little body so I would not have to feel like my son did not exist. 

Thank you to everyone who thought of me on Sunday, in acknowledgement of my role as Max's mother. Thank you especially to those few special people who sent me messages to make sure I knew that I was on their mind. It meant more than I can say. Truly.

And to those who are reading this who also experienced their first mother's day without their precious babies, know that I feel with you your broken hearts and your shattered dreams. May you always remember, and be reminded by those you love, that:

Every mother counts.