A lovely girl I've connected with in an online support group posted a message on Facebook today that really resonated with me. She wrote that 'grief becomes a lonely journey once people start assuming you're OK'. This mother lost her baby girl only a few days before Max died so it's not surprising that we have found we are each experiencing shared feelings at similar times. I'm not complaining that people have stopped caring about me or have forgotten what happened, for I know that neither of those are true. It is true that you're left alone with your grief day in and day out though as everyone else gets on with their lives. I recognise that no relationship could survive if the only topic of conversation was my sorrow. Understandably, people want to talk about normal things, and so do I. Now two months has passed I feel it's expected that I can again participate in the everyday world - to hold conversations about the tennis with my dentist without blurting out that I had a baby who died. I tried to cancel my credit card with the Commonwealth Bank this week and the teller asked me how my summer holidays had been. I wanted to tell him, but instead I just nodded and smiled and said how lovely a break I'd had. Every time someone asks me how I am of course I say I'm OK, or I'm fine. I feel there is no other appropriate answer. But of course I'm not fine in the least, so this becomes a horrible cycle where I tell lies but don't really want anyone to believe them. I want someone to say 'I know you're not, and that's OK'.
I came across this really
amazing line of cards that I wish were available in the shops, where everyday people could see them. The ladies who designed them have both lost children themselves and obviously at times also felt abandoned to weather the world without a soul on their side. There are cards you can send to someone who's just lost a child, as you certainly won't find anything specific to that situation in the Hallmark aisle. But there are also cards that people can send for the inexhaustible range of lonely days that will continue to be hard to bear into the future - cards for due dates, for mothers or fathers day, for baby's birthday. To know, just occasionally, that your baby has definitely not been forgotten, and that people know you are still suffering even though you're back at work and laughing at funny jokes as if nothing at all untoward has passed, I think would be really, really lovely.
When you don't know what to say, or whether to say it at all, these cards are the perfect solution and no doubt would be treasured by any grieving parent who is sitting at home feeling like the whole world has forgotten them. It's inspired me to find out if there are similar greeting cards for other difficult life situations. I shall research and report back, and will most definitely tell Kate the card maker that there's a very big gap in the market ready for her to fill!
