I know that I am changing because Thursdays don't really hurt much anymore. They don't seem to hold the same significance that they did even a few short months ago, when every Thursday was for me a cruel reminder of all that I had lost.
I still feel very despairing much of the time, believe me. It just doesn't seem to be tied to any one thing, or time or place as it was in the beginning.
Thursdays have lost their power. Or, perhaps, I have become more powerful.
I'd like to think it was a little bit of both.
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| Thursday's gone back to being just another day, as good or as bad as any other. |
As some things lose their symbolism or significance, though, others gain it when they didn't have it before. I hate the day I get my period, for example. I rage and cry against it, where I never have before.
My grief grows and changes as I grow and change. It is more comfortable now, as if I've worn it in like a pinching pair of new shoes. I still walk around in it, but it doesn't bit and make me catch my breath in shock as it did in the beginning. Except I suppose that's not really true, as sometimes it really does feel like I'm walking in those pinching shoes for the very first time again, and I can hardly believe how easily I can be thrown right back to the beginning.
Thursday - Jupiter, the God of sky and thunder's day - doesn't rain on me anymore. And so there will be no more Things-I-Love-Thursday. Not because I don't love things anymore, but because I don't need to set aside a special time in the week to remind myself that there are still things I love so much anymore. Gradually, those things have started to weave their way back into my sights of their own accord. Slowly, and hesitantly, but they are there.
Perhaps I'll instigate a new blogging practice. I'm not sure what yet. But as this blog is a record of who I was, who I am, and who I'm becoming, it's important that I mark these milestones of thought and feeling.
Things-I-Love-Thursday: I don't need you anymore. But thanks for helping remember the things that remain, when all else has been lost.
