I received their brochure 'Your Baby Has Died', as well as a book of stories told by parents whose baby had also died. The brochure had so much helpful information, although much of it I wish I'd known earlier in the hospital when I still had time with Max and could have used their ideas of how to create more memories, for example.
I can't get that time back again, no matter how much I try, but I knew that what I could do was make a contribution that would help other parents to access the right information at the right time. I contacted SANDS a couple of weeks ago to volunteer my time, in any capacity they might need. It took me a long time to work up to contacting them. SANDS also provide counselling and support, although for some reason I never felt comfortable contacting them for that kind of assistance. What I feared most, I think, was making the initial phone call. What do you say when the person answers the phone? How do you begin the conversation with a stranger that your baby has died?
I really wish I had have called earlier, though. I contacted them by email to express my interest in volunteering, and shortly afterwards a really lovely lady called me back to talk. Although the purpose of our conversation was to work out how I might be able to help, we ended up just having a really nice conversation which was so helpful to me. I can't say how much it helped to talk to her, and to hear reflected in her words all the things that I am thinking and feeling. This lady's daughter died seventeen years ago, and still she was able to speak about her baby girl as if it were yesterday. So much of what she said resonated with me and I found it immensely comforting to hear of how her little girl is still so much a part of her life, even after such a long time has passed.
I was particularly interested to hear what she had done in the intervening years to make sure that her daughter remained a part of her life, and how her grief and love for her baby had changed over time. After her baby died, she did have another baby - a son who is now a teenager. She told a beautiful, although heartbreaking story of her son's relationship with his older sister. He was about three and a half when he really began to comprehend that there was another baby in the family; that the photos were not all of him. She spoke of how she and her husband always answered his questions, which grew over the years, with honesty, but how it did not really hit her son that he would never know his sister until he was around 12 years old. At that age, I guess, children begin to see themselves as independent people and begin to think about their place in their families and in the world. She said that at this age her son began to want to spend a lot of time at the cemetery, and that he would just sit at his sister's grave and weep as he figured out his own way to make his sister a part of his story, of his life. This was a really powerful image, I think, which illustrates that the impact of our baby's life, although it was brief, is a lifelong one that everyone in our family will carry with them now and into the future.
In terms of what I could do to help SANDS, it was timely that they are in the process of reviewing all of their brochures, with the aim of streamlining the information that is available in different states. On Friday afternoon I went into their offices, along with another bereaved mother, to offer some feedback on the brochures in their current form, and some suggestions for how to improve them. I brought the perspective of a newly bereaved mother to the conversation, and the other woman the benefit of having four years 'experience'. It was a really helpful experience, not just in terms of having the fortunate opportunity to have my voice count, but also in realising how much of what I think and feel is common amongst others whose babies have died, even under different circumstances. The other woman's baby was stillborn at 41 weeks, which was a very different situation to mine in many ways, but we seemed to have experienced so many things in common. Though in many ways her life had moved on - she is now parenting two beautiful living children - I could tell that part of her was still back there, in 2008, blank faced and numb and wondering what on earth has happened to her life. I found it very reassuring to talk to her, to nod and smile, and agree with so many of the things she said, but it also made me realise that the longing I have for Max to come back will never go away. That it will be a part of how I mother any future children, if I am lucky to have them. She was so kind, and gave me her email address to get in touch. I think I will, but I'm also conscious of not wanting to be the needy and annoying new bereaved mother on the block. She must already get that so much.
One of the brochures they wanted our particular help with was the one intended for family and friends of a person whose baby has died, which I think is really, really important. Dealing with other people's actions or inaction, religious beliefs, judgements or well-meaning but offensive platitudes not only compounds your grief but is exhausting. On the other hand, there are so many small gestures and words that have the capacity to make such a big difference, if only people had some experience or direction to lead them in their responses. For me, this blog has been a valuable way of me letting those people close to me know what I'm going through, but for some people their friends and family must be even more so stumbling in the dark. Resources for friends and family are therefore so valuable in making sure that bereaved parents get the support they need from the people closest to them.
Some of our quotes will go into the new brochures, and I'm really glad I had the chance to help. Until the new brochures come out, there are lots of resources on the internet about what to do when your friend or family member's baby dies, including information on how to deal with your own grief. Here are some good sites that really 'get it'. Please, if you have time, read them. You just never know when you'll be able to help someone, or point them in the direction of something that will.
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/how-to-help-a-friend
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/healing/how-family-and-friends-can-help
http://www.bearsofhope.org.au/friends/For_Family_Friends
http://www.sidsandkids.org/wp-content/uploads/SIDSFamilyandFriends.pdf
