Where I've been (part two)

I spent last week in Canberra, which is the main reason I haven't blogged anything in a while. Yes, they do have the internet in Canberra, so that's not entirely the reason. It's just I didn't really feel like writing while I was there. I was trying to live in the moment and enjoy the precious time I had to spend with Anika and Sasha, who I went especially to visit.

I think it was a good decision not to blog. I think I would have written some sad stuff, late at night, when I was missing home and thinking of how different my trip would have been if I'd had Max with me, which at this time of the year I should have. If he'd been born when he was expected, he should be three months old right now. The sad stuff would not have accurately reflected how I felt to be visiting my dear ones. I was so happy to see them, and so surprised and delighted to see how much my Sasha has grown and matured. I felt like I got to know her again, as the little person she is becoming, as opposed to the baby she was. I think I coped pretty well, but it was a hard trip - my first away from home since Max was born and died. My first time away from Leslie since our lives changed so unexpectedly. I felt OK during the days, but dismally upset at night. It happens like that sometimes. The day takes all you've got and you're scraping the bottom of the barrel of sanity later that night.

I'm very conscious these days that I'm not a 'normal' person to be around anymore. Maybe I will never again be the person I was. I don't know what my friends think about the ways in which I've changed - whether they've noticed or whether I'm the only one that notices. I'm highly emotional, prone to moody bouts of sad and silent reflection, and I tire easily. I could probably say that these things were always true of me, but they do feel different somehow, perhaps magnified. I don't take joy in as many small things as I used to. Sometimes I think I just can't be bothered talking about any of the things I used to talk about or to be interested in any of the things I used to like. You know, just sitting around and chatting about my every thought, or whatever comes into my head. I'm guessing part of this is because I am so often thinking sad and horrible things. It's not that people don't want to hear them, as I'm so lucky to have for my closest friends people who can, and do, listen without judgement. It's just that I feel that it is too much to ask them to listen to the same stuff over and over and over again. I'm embarrassed that I have nothing else to contribute. I don't want the only conversation I'm capable of having to be about Max, or the gaping hole he has left in my life, or about how the world doesn't make any sense to me anymore. But a lot of the time that's just where I am. A lot of the time I spend at home is me sitting on the couch and literally staring at the wall, sighing. I'm sure this doesn't make me a very charismatic or enjoyable house guest, but I tried to do my best. 

Anika and Sasha did extremely well to sit with me through moments of extreme sensitivity and silence. Anika's always been good like that. She's like me in many ways, just happy to have the person she loves in the room, whether they're talking or doing their own thing or not. At least I hope she was, as I don't feel like I brought much fun with me! The most joyous parts of the trip were spent reading stories to Sasha and joining in her many and varied conversations, and on the long walks I took with Anika, which were good for me in so many ways. As always seems to be the case lately, I don't know where the days went. We went shopping a few times, went out for tea a few times, and then it seemed time to come home. Luckily I will get to see them again next month when they come to Melbourne for Anika's graduation, which will be a lovely, happy, exciting occasion, that I'm saving up all of my positive feelings for.

It's late tonight, and I'm tired, and a bit sensitive about it being my birthday tomorrow, so I won't go into the details of the whole trip. After all, at least two of the most important people in my life were already there! They don't need a recap! I will say that I took the train to Canberra, and I will say that I will NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! Stories from the XPT from Melbourne to Sydney could keep me in blog posts for at least the next month. Hell, if I rode it often enough I reckon I could dedicate a separate blog for the plethora of fucking weird and disturbing shit I saw and heard!

A very grown-up looking Sasha: