I've been dilligently reading this blog several times a week, I think this has been such a wonderful outlet for Janelle. Along the way it has also given me some insight into exactly what she has been going through. I mean we talk alot, I really think that we have a great communication in our relationship. Often though its easy just to leave things unsaid or have some missing detail. To some outsiders the fact that I'm getting insight through this blog might seem a bit odd. I mean I lost my son too, surely having the exact same experience is all the insight that you could ever need. The thing is that grief is an incredibly unique experience. Each person goes through it in their own completely and own unique way.
One thing that I have discovered though is that each instance of grief has its own uniqueness to it. You see I lost my Mum to cancer almost three years ago now. I thought I knew about grief, or at least what it meant for me. Turns out that I still had a little something to learn about it.
You see the circumstances with Mum could not have been more polar opposite than with Max which had profound differences with how it impacted me. Mum was diagnosed with cancer I dont even know when but long before she died. When I found out Mum appeared to be in perfect health, she had had a bit of a cough for a few months but nothing that seemed at all that serious. She actually went to the Doctors to get a prescription for Champix, an anti-depressant with the unusual side effect that it makes smokers simply lose interest in smoking. The doctor wasnt happy with her cough and ordered an X-Ray which discovered the tumors in both her lungs. Is that ironic? I'm never quite sure as Alanis Morisette kinda ruined the word for me.
Mum enjoyed over a year of good health. During which time I surprised her (and about 600 other people) with a performance at the Swing Patrol Performance Ball. I still look back on that night as one of my greatest accomplishments. We did our best to be positive through this period and just 'enjoy her'. She tried all sorts of concoctions to get over the disease, but to no avail. After something like a year she started to lose alot of weight and get weak. It wasnt overnight or anything, I think it would have stretched over something like 6 months that she started to actually look like someone with Cancer. It wasnt until about a week before she died that she got really bad.
She became bed ridden and so weak that she couldnt even speak. I still remember that week so clearly, my sister Kylie was getting married on the Saturday and I had taken the week off to generally help out with organising and spend a bit of time looking after Mum. You see Mum didn't want to be made a fuss of so I generally had to find 'excuses' to look after her. She unfortunately didn't make it to the wedding, but she did manage to hang on until about 2 am on Sunday morning when her breathing patterns started to change, and she slowly stopped breathing with two of her sisters, dad and I all by her side.
It was one of the hardest times of my life.
Lots of friends and family turned up the next day. Which showed a big difference between Dad and I. Dad is a massive extravert and I'm about as big an introvert as you will ever meet. I watched as more and more people filled the house as Dad came more and more out of his shell. He was still shattered, but you could see the comfort he was getting from being surrounded by people. Meanwhile I had to discreetly retreat on several occasions just to get some 'me' time.
I think I moved on or accepted Mum's death for the most part within about a month. I managed to reconcile it that while we had lost her too early (64 I think she was) she had still lived a good life. Whilst in the end we lost her fairly suddenly it was still about as good a death as I think you could hope for. We had a year to enjoy her whilst she was still active. We got some clear reminders that things were serious and not to take it lightly. And then finally we got a week to finally resolve everything, whilst not being too long for her or us to suffer. She left us kids as adults more than capable of looking after ourselves. Happy and well adjusted. Not a bad script for a life on the whole.
I still miss her and think of her often, but I am comfortable with having lost her. The loss of Max is still something that I very much struggle with 6 months on. Max did not get to live a full life. We had no opportunity to prepare or reconcile what was happening. No time. No time at all.
No one knows when grief will strike them. It is something private that is rarely talked about or shared at back yard bbq's. It is an incredibly unique experience that hopefully this post has given you some insight into. I have experienced grief twice in my life now and both experiences for me, the same person have been extremely different. Janelle's grief for Max is very different to mine. Kylie's grief for Mum is very different to mine as now her marriage is somehow tied to Mum's death, and Dad (the raging extrovert) lost the love of his life yet still has so many years to live.
So whether you have experienced grief or not please never judge anyone who is grieving. They are doing the best they can with little in the way of instruction manuals or guidance. Be there for them whenever you can and just try to figure out what they need. You probably won't know what it is (and neither will they) but if you care for them and are genuinely present with them you will discover things about them and yourself that you will carry with you forever.
