Six weeks old

Alice, my Alice, you are six weeks old, but just barely past your due date. Already I am saddened that the early days spent with you seem like a blur. The thing is, having a baby (especially a premmie one like you) is such a shock to the system that you're really not conscious for the first week or so to really enjoy the little creature you have created. No one really tells you that. It's not until weeks later when you've rested and healed and been able to look back on your experience so far that you realise you don't remember that much of it, and you suddenly desperately wish you did. As I had to spend so many days without you while you were in the hospital this feeling is magnified. I feel cheated of those days, though I know you needed them to get strong. I didn't expect to feel so disconnected from those early days. Remembering is like watching someone else play the part of your mother because six weeks ago feels so very different to now - so different that I must have been another person or in another world.

Today is the first day that you and I have spent entirely alone together. Your daddy has been working from home and your Nana has been visiting, but today it's just the two of us. Though I was scared the sky would fall in when I didn't have all of this lovely support at home, I was also looking forward to getting started on being your mum. Not that I haven't been caring for you so far, but the last few weeks have felt like a practice run and I wanted to get to the part where we are doing the real thing. It's 4.30pm as I write this and I can happily say we've made a success of this first day. We left the house (tick) and bought a new pram for us to go walking and exploring and socialising with. We took you to your check up appointment with the maternal and child health nurse (tick), where we discovered that you have put on 260g in a week! (You now weigh 3.8kg!) We sat on the couch and spent some 'awake' time together just gazing around the room (tick). You have this way of pursing your lips when you're alert that is just so cute. I love it when you do that. So, we pretty much achieved everything that was expected us and we both did it without any major meltdowns!

You were a very lucky girl over the past week to enjoy special time getting to know your Nana from Tasmania (I'll write another post about her visit soon). She fell in love with you as easily and quickly as we did, and she spoiled you rotten as well. She gave you the world's most hi-tech and amazing baby swing, which you have been thoroughly enjoying. Daddy calls it the 'sleep machine' as if you are grizzly and unsettled we put you in it and swing you about and you instantly calm down. You just love looking at the little lambs that circle around your head while it's swinging. Here are some pictures of you in awe of your new contraption - I think you thought it was the best day of your life!

We can't figure out if you are saluting the lambs here!

Keeping a close eye on those flying sheep

Your 'sleep machine' in all its glory

You are finally growing into some of your many, many, pretty outfits. Until recently even size 0000 clothes have been so big on you that they look like clown outfits! I am very happy that you have grown just a little bit, if only because I have so many things I want to dress you up in! Daddy says you don't need any more clothes. Soon you'll realise that's a very 'daddy' thing to say. He just doesn't understand that a girl needs an outfit for every occasion because he wears the same thing all the time and doesn't buy anything new until the old thing has fallen apart! He's such a funny daddy, though sometimes he's infuriating too! He's always happy to see you looking so pretty and cute in your little clothes, though, so I don't think he really minds that new things keep appearing in your drawers...

You were supposed to have a doctor's check up and get your vaccinations today but the clinic made a mistake with the appointment and now it has been postponed for a week. It might have been a bit much for our first day together, anyway, as the nurse said that you might not be feeling the best afterwards. But don't worry, I'm going to buy you some baby Panadol in advance of next week in case you get a fever or any aches and pains. I wish I didn't have to watch the doctors stick needles in you but I know it is for a very good reason so I'll just have to toughen up, won't I?

One exciting thing we did this week was get your little baby hands and feet cast in plaster so that we will have a keepsake of how teeny tiny you were. The company will frame them and make them look beautiful and we will hang them on our wall as a reminder of this time in all of our lives. You were such a good sport during the casting. You didn't really like the coldness of the plaster and squirmed around a bit but you didn't really cry. I was very proud of you!

Really, though, I am proud of you every single day, just for getting to me safely. Already you've achieved the thing I cared about most in the world so anything you do from here on in is an absolute bonus. Keep being your gorgeous little self, and maybe think about giving me a smile sometime soon? I would really, really love to see your little face light up in a grin!

I love you my little pea, with all of my heart. Happy six week birthday!