A special day for daddy

It's a special day for Max's daddy. It's Fathers Day. It's a hard day for a daddy who doesn't get to spend it with his son. Sometimes the daddies get forgotten in the ferocious din of grieving. Max's daddy doesn't cry easily, he doesn't really have any way in which he draws attention to himself, even when he needs it most. He's the most resilient, self-sufficient person I know. And that's the very reason how I know how much Max's absence hurts, because despite this, it is written all over his face, in a faraway stare or a furrowed brow. We like to think our hurts lie secretly hidden inside us, but of course they don't. A wound this size is there for all to see, especially those who love us, who know us so well as to be able to pick up on the slightest change in a tone of voice or a glance or a sigh.

My dearest, darling Leslie. I know.

What I also know is that you would be the best daddy in the world. You were to Max. You will be, I hope with all my heart, again. I'm so sorry you can't do any of the things you planned to with our little boy. It breaks my heart to think of that, even when I think it couldn't possibly be broken any more.  But I want you to know that you did everything you could with him, and for him. I will never forget looking over to you and seeing our baby in your arms straight after he was born. I was in shock. I was afraid to hold him, so you took him so gently from me and held him tight. You kept him safe, and warm, and loved. You made sure he was not alone for an instant. And you made sure that I was not alone for an instant, either, on that day, or on any day since.

Max knew you. If there's one thing I believe, it's that. He was comforted by your touch and by your voice and by your love.

You are no less a father today for Max's absence. This makes you more of a father to me. You loved our baby, and you had to let him go. That is the greatest, though most painful act of love imaginable.

Because Max can't be here, I honour you and everything you are to us, on his behalf. You are our safe harbour on a stormy day. You never falter. Rest, today, and let me take the helm. Max and I have you in our embrace. We love you so very, very, very much.

For all the dads who have lost children